BACK TO MEME COUNTY, FELLAS

Whew. It's a good job Luscious has an LJ, otherwise I'd have missed this pointless and self-referential meme. And then where would we have all been, huh?

Part 1: The Birth of You

Were you a planned baby? As far as I know, yes.
Who was present at your birth? My Mum, some medical staff, I hope. Other than that, not sure if my Dad was in the room itself or not.
Were your parents married when you were born? Indeed, those wacky old traditionalists.
What is your birth date? Remembrance Day, 1970.

Part 2: The Family

How would you describe your family? Disorganised? Survivors? Hardened by fire? My immediate family- happy with each other. My extended family- scattered like ashes.
Are your parents married? No. Both remarried. Mum died in 2003.
Siblings or an only child? One brother, from whom I’m estranged.
Which parent do you get along with best? The living one
What do you fight about? Almost nothing. We see each other on an irregular basis, so anything about which we disagree doesn’t seem as important as just enjoying the moment.

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend? No. Lyn is my best friend, by far.
Who are your best friends? Whole bunches of friends spread out across the country, most of whom I only ever communicate with over the net, so it’s a waste of time elevating them to different levels.
Do you share the same interests? Occasionally. I don’t know anybody who shares my full range of interests. Generally, even people who like, say, SF, rarely like the same types of SF as me. Even when I belong, I don’t :)
Which friend can you tell anything to? Lyn, and Harvey, my giant invisible rabbit.

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem? Fairly low.
Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Introverted by nature, extroverted by circumstance—few people see me in places where there isn’t an aspect of performance to my personality.
Are you happy? Domestically, yes. Professionally, no.
Do you live life to the fullest? You see me here, at my anonymous day job cubicle? The answer to your question would be ‘no’.

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look? No. I hate being so heavily overweight. Loving the grey streaks in my hair, though.
Do you have any piercings besides your ears? No. One piercing in the left ear is all I have.
Describe your hair Bitser. Predominantly dark brown, with streaks of grey, red, and a sort of mongrel shade that snuck in when nobody was looking. I’d look great under a spectrometer.
What make-up do you wear? Paint on my toenails. Todays colour is ‘dark vinyl’.
How do you dress? According to most people, in the dark.

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child? I didn’t think so at the time, but looking back, I can see where I never quite fit in. Always one step ahead or behind the social bell curve.
What did you use to love that you no longer do? Breastfeeding. Also sport.
Do you have the same friends? No. I don’t engender much loyalty in people, and rarely seem to manage to stay in touch once we part. That said, the great and mythical Seanie of 101 Reasons To Stop Writing fame and I have been uberpals for almost 20 years. It’s aged him.
Was there anything in your past that was traumatising? My first wife’s death, and my Mum’s death coming so close behind. Severe primary and high school bullying. Shakin’ Stevens.

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition? To look back and realise it turned out all right after all.
Are you scared of growing old? I’m not keen on the idea of losing my faculties; I don’t want to be one of those toothless, dribbling old stick insects wandering slowly from side to side and slowing up footpath traffic. But if that’s what I become, I can at least become a National Party MP or a judge for the Oscars.

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? Love ‘em both, actually, for different reasons. By nature, though, I’m probably more of an outdoor person.
Do you like walking in the rain? Love it. It is, outside of the toilet and John Leguizamo film festivals, the only time you can be truly alone.

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian? I eat herbivores. Does that count?
What is your favourite fruit? Bananas, pineapples, and mangoes.
What food makes you want to gag? Sushi, seafood, pumpkin, broad beans, dead folk.
What is your favourite dessert? Lyn makes a custard wrap thing with rice paper that is just divine, and probably needs a name.
What is your favourite restaurant? Sizzler, sad as that sounds. There’s also a curry place down the road from our house called Masala, and an Italian place on Brisbane’s South Bank whose name escapes me but who I can walk to with my eyes closed from anywhere in the city.
Are you a fussy eater? Not particularly. Fork, knife, mouth, it’s all pretty easy.

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken? Completely taken in every respect.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Not for adults—lust, longing, desire, sure. By the same token, I’ve been present at the births of both my biological children, so I know it exists between parent and child.

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences? The abovementioned births. My own was pretty important too, at least, to me.
What was one of your worst? The death of my first wife, due to medical incompetence.
Have you ever done drugs? A few bongs way back in the old days. There are cheaper ways to be bored.
Have you ever thought you were going to die? Spent a couple of years actively hoping for it.
Have you ever suffered from depression? Yes. Medically and when I look back at 80s fashion.

There. You know, I feel better, I really do...

LASTLY, AS IF THERE WAS EVER ANY DOUBT

I have a beautiful wife :)

FALDERAL TO FINISH




A bunch of stuff that came down the drainpipe while I was away:

• Check your ASIM subscrition is up to date-- my poem Towards a Greener Narrative and my short story Amygdala, My Love, will be appearing in issues 36 and 38 respectively. Lyn's story This is Not a Love Song will be appearing in issue 34.

• Lyn also has a story coming out in Borderlands issue 10. As We Know It has already received fan mail, before publication, so don't let it pass you by.

• Say a short prayer for poor souls Benjamin Szumskyj and Jason Crowe, who will spend the next three months committing their writing ambitions to my tender mercies as part of this year's AHWA Mentorship scheme. And we had such high hopes for them...

• Also, this:

• And, because it's so wrong it made me snort cool drink out my nose that I hadn't even drunk yet--

WELCOME TO MY SLIDE NIGHT...

A few moments from our week in Adelaide.

Adelaide Zoo: beautiful woman with elephant idol.

Happy couple with 75 year-old Chilean flamingo.

Adelaide Musuem: our friendly and helpful staff are always on hand with information and advice on where best to run.

The world's happiest shopper rests after visits to several antique clothing outlets

HMS Buffalo: proving that it's not the least bit tacky to turn a convict ship into a restaurant

The elegant and dignified Mrs Kate Fischer learns that when I say I'm going to blog a photo, I mean it :)

The Fischers: 3 days of marriage and still happy.

Hahndorf: Das goooooood beer.

Good beer, good conversation, and the prospect of harrowing theatre about the last thoughts of a murderous career Nazi. Life is good.

South Australian Air Museum Restoration Room: Flat-pak jet fighters

FROM ADELAIDE, WITH LOVE

So we're back, after a week in Snoozing-By-Sea. An enjoyable week, for the most part, and we saw and did much which we previously had not seen nor done: the coach ride through Monarto open-range zoo; eating (and drinking) a traditional German lunch in the traditional German tavern in the traditional German town of Hahndorf; the behind-the-scenes tour of the restoration room at the South Australian Air museum; lounging about in the grounds of the winery wherein we were ensconced; theatre (an astonishing one man performance called Goering's Defence, with Oor 'Erman ruminating upon his life upon the night of his execution); stand-up comedy (an hilarious and raucous show by Dan Willis, relating the way Ferris Bueller's Day Off has influenced his life); trying to find something to eat in the CBD after 5pm (hint: 5.01, Adelaide is closed, go home now...)....

See the smattering of representative photos later.

However, the reason we chose Adelaide for our delayed-by-three-years honeymoon, rather than somewhere more exotic (like Balga or the right hand lane of the Kwinana Freeway), was the chance to witness the wedding of two people who rank right at the very apex of the loveliest people we've ever met: Jason and Kate Fischer (nee Schenscher) have delighted and warmed us for just over a year now, and it was a beautiful morning spent on the beach at Noarlunga watching them commit their lives to each other. When two such unique and special people ask you to be a part of something like this, you book your flight and go, is what you do.

Happiness is...

To you both: our love, and our hopes for a long and wonderful life together.

Mr and Mrs Fischer

JUST DIE, ALREADY

Some months ago, when it came out on DVD, we rented and watched Rocky Balboa. Whilst it'll never be regarded as great cinema, it was at least a fitting end to the franchise, emphasising the 'little tailor' aspect of Balboa's character and making allowances for time, age, and a certain amount of nostalgia, not only in Stallone's portrayal of Rocky, but in the central message that, whilst age may weary a man, it can give him the wisdom to accept that the battles most worth winning are those closest to the heart. Amidst the formula there was warmth, and dignity, and even a little grace. Not great cinema, no, but as the credits rolled, there was no small satisfaction in the journey's end.

Tonight, we watched John Rambo, the latest and last of the Rambo series of movies.

John Rambo is shit.

A BITTO DOS FUNINHO

What's your Brazilian Footballer Name?

FundaMENTALly OVER

So, we did it: we packed the kids in the car, threw a picnic dinner in the boot, and ran a half hour up the coast to see Mental As Anything play a free gig on behalf of some building development or other that's going to turn the Two Rocks horizon into a Metro Brick wasteland.

The last time I saw the Mentals live was at the original Australian made concert at Subiaco Oval in 1987. 21 years...... where the hell did that go?

This time, the setting was a local park a street or so from the beach. A beautiful area, it was packed out with stalls, kite displays, and the sort of hand-made revelry you see at tiny suburban fairs thrown together by local councils because why the hell not, they've made a surplus this year. It was lovely: we made sand paintings, the kids got their faces painted, sweeties literally rained down from the sky as the kite displays revealed hidden self-operated pinata kite thingies.... We wandered, we sampled, everything was free, everyone was happy.

It ain't a day out if the faces don't get painted.

At 8 on the dot, a local support act took the stage. Erin and Connor dragged me up so they could have a look: their first concert experience, and they were instantly hooked. A single girl in her early twenties, with a guitar, a gorgeous voice, and a simple, balladic hook to her songs. Erin may want to be her when she grows up.

Erin Jane Battersby, this is your future.

The boys met friends. The boys disappeared. We didn't see them again until the music was over, and it was time to leave. It was that kind of evening.

The Mentals took the stage. Or, if I were to be precise about it, Martin Plaza and Greedy Smith took to the stage, along with three other blokes who were helping flesh out the retirement fund. No Reg Mombassa? No Pete Doherty? That's not Seagull behind the drum kit! Okay, okay, rest the inner fanboy for a moment. It's the music that matters. Give them a chance.

Fact number 1: I didn't drive for half an hour to watch a country and western cover band. When you've got a 30 year back catalogue, I want to hear your music.

Fact number 2: Cool as it was that they played Lyn's favourite song, Apocalypso would have been cool, too. Don't Take Your Love To Town has never been cool, ever.

Fact number 3: Greedy can no longer hit the high notes that songs like The World Seems Difficult demand.

Oh, come, Meester Smeeth. It's just a waffer-theen meent....

Fact number 4: Martin can no longer hit any note.

The undead corpse of Martin demands braaaaiiinnnssss......

Fact number 5: Stop. Just stop.

It was interesting to note that, whilst the core audience consisted of people our age who could remember the band in their prime, from our vantage point we could see that most who left early were from that self-same core audience. By the time the band had concluded their dozen-song set, most who remained were like ourselves, those who had teenagers roaming the skate rink and climbing frame, or who had a madly-excited six year old because she recognised Mr Natural from the iPod (Of all the songs, this was the one that stood up best, largely because its spoken word delivery demanded nothing from the band). Bizarrely, at the undead zombie second death of their career, they may have picked up a fan in Erin, who spent a significant part of the concert dancing near the stage with her Mum, and another significant proportion begging me to take her back up, whereupon she climbed on my shoulders to get a better view of the stage.

Fangrrl! Anything is worth it to see this kind of delight on your child's face, even Live It Up

As underwhelming as the concert ultimately proved to be for Lyn and myself (although I should point out that my darling was very bouncy and dancy for the first 4 or 5 songs, particularly as it contained Plaza's cover of Concrete and Clay), it was a wonderful evening out.

They played Concrete and Clay! They played Concrete and Clay!

As a father of a large family, there's no happier feeling than watching my kids, out and about, gaining first experiences, meeting friends, exploring new facets of their world. And as a husband, there's no better sight than a happy, vibrant wife, sharing her happiness with an adoring daughter. So the band's performance was a tired shadow of their former selves. So what? It is the music that matters, and we have that at home. And next time Erin hears Mr Natural in the car, we're going to remember something special together.

Woohoo! Past our bedtime! We win!!!!!

We drove home late, tired, full of sugar, and prepared to accept that you just can't revisit the 80s, no matter how much you tried. Tune in this time next year, when I'll probably be saying the same thing after going back to see The Uncanny X-Men or Pseudo Echo.....

Alright, Two Rocks! Thanks for letting us out of the freezer! Now, are you ready to mildly Europoooooppppp?

PS: I've just noticed how much that last caption looks like Europoop instead of Europop.
PPS: I stand by it :)

DREAMING OF CONTENTS

The table of contents for Dreaming Again has been released, and the book itself is, apparently, due to his the shelves in June. Until then, feel free to salivate over this little lot:

1. “Old Friends,” Garth Nix
2. “A Guided Tour In the Kingdom of the Dead,” Richard Harland
3. “This Is My Blood,” Ben Francisco and Chris Lynch
4. “Nightship,” Kim Westwood
5. “The Fooly,” Terry Dowling
6. “Neverland Blues,” Adam Brown
7. “The Jacaranda Wife,” A. G. Slatter
8. “The Constant Past,” Sean McMullen
9. “The Forest,” Kim Wilkins
10. “Robots & Zombies, Inc.,” Lucy Sussex
11. “This Way to the Exit,” Sara Douglass
12. “Grimes and the Gaijin Daimyo,” A. Bertram Chandler
13. “Lure,” Paul Collins
14. “The Empire,” Simon Brown
15. “Lakeside,” Christopher Green
16. “Trolls’ Night Out,” Jenny Blackford
17. “The Rest Is Silence,” Aaron Sterns
18. “Smoking, Waiting For the Dawn,” Jason Nahrung
19. “The Lanes Of Camberwell,” Cecilia Dart-Thornton
20. “Lost Arts,” Stephen Dedman
21. “Undead Camels Ate Their Flesh,” Jason Fischer
22. “Europa,” Cecily Scutt
23. “Riding On the Q-ball,” Rosaleen Love
24. “In From the Snow,” Lee Battersby
25. “The Lost Property Room,” Trudi Canavan
26. “Heere Be Monsters,” John Birmingham
27. “Purgatory,” Rowena Cory Daniells
28. “Manannan’s Children,” Russell Blackford
29. “The Fifth Star In the Southern Cross,” Margo Lanagan
30. “Twilight In Caeli-Amur,” Rjurik Davidson
31. “Paradise Design’d,” Janeen Webb
32. “The New Deal,” Trent Jamieson
33. “The Last Great House of Isla Tortuga,” Peter M. Ball
34. “Conquist,” Dirk Strasser
35. “Perchance To Dream,” Isobelle Carmody

It's particularly pleasing to see so many of my Clarion students make the list. New wave indeed! The chocolate river flows far and fast, my little grasshoppers! (Don't worry, normal world: only 16 or so of you are supposed to understand that)

JOIN US FOR THE APOLCALYPSO

Tomorrow night, we've learned, Mental as Anything are performing a free gig at Charnwood Reserve, Lisford Avenue, Two Rocks. The show starts at 8pm, but from 5pm they have free kids activities, a bouncy castle, face painting, and the like.

Luscious and I will be packing the kids up, throwing together a picnic dinner, and heading down to eat, dance, and laugh over how fat Greedy Smith has become.

Join us.

INVADED BY A SOLD STORY

Good news today: Ideomancer has accepted my story Invaded By an Intimate Storyline which, amongst other things, features a cameo by one of my favourite Clarion South inmates, Michael 'The Patternless Man' Greenhut, as an RPG-playing intercontinental bomber tail-gunner.

Bet that gets at least one of you reading it once it's published :)

AIDEN’S BIRTHDAY

It had to happen: the A-Boy turned 15 on Saturday, and for his present, we acceded to his desire to invite a whole bunch of friends to go paint-balling. A whole bunch of his friends, and his brother. A whole bunch of his friends, his brother, and me.

Fat men in all-over protective suits and heavy plastic face masks sweat. And puff. And get carpet burns from throwing themselves behind giant plastic barriers while teams of rampaging teenagers try to shoot the fat man’s nads off.

5 days later I’ve still got the bruises where the paint balls hit. Those bastards sting!

But it was a hell of a lot of fun :)

Happy birthday, Aidey-baby.

STUDIES IN AUSTRALIAN WEIRD FICTION

Ever-groovy Ben Szunskyj has announced the arrival of SIAWF Volume 1, and let me tells ya, the contents list is a doozy! To whit:

Essays --
"Lionel Sparrow (1867–1936): An Unknown Australian Writer of Gothic Horror" by James Doig
"The Weird Verse of Christopher Brennan" by Phillip A. Ellis
"Wandering Child: The Fantasies of Vernon Knowles" by Mark Valentine
"An Afternoon with Elizabeth Jolley, author of The Well" by Benjamin Szumskyj
"Shadows & Sexuality: The Horror Stories of Stephen Dedman" by Benjamin Szumskyj
"'Tim Winton's Take on the Weird: In the Winter Dark as Cross-Genre Fiction" by Phillip A. Ellis "A Bibliography of Australian Fantastic Literature to c.1960" by James Doig
"Brett McBean: An Appreciation" by Tim Kroenert
"Thrills and Excitement, Adventure and Action: Don Boyd, an Endless 'Myth-Cycle' Unto Himself" by Charles Lovecraft & Margaret Lovecraft

Interviews --
"Pater Horrere Familas: An Interview with Lee Battersby"
"The Terror From Australis: An Interview Leigh Blackmore"
"The Weird Talesman: An Interview with Terry Dowling"
"Harvesting Wild Grapes: An Interview with Phillip A. Ellis"
"Home is Where the Horror Is: An Interview with Steve Gerlach"
"Laughter From the Dark: An Interview with Richard Harland"
"Horror From the Outback: An Interview with Rick Kennett"
"Darkness Be My Scribe: An Interview with Marty Young"

Ongoing Columnist --
"The Ossuary" by Robert Hood. First article entitled "Ghosts, Monsters and Chainsaws"

Symposiums --
"Joan Lindsay's Picnic at Hanging Rock: A Fortieth Anniversary Retrospect" discussed by James Doig, Patrick Lee and Brett McKenzie
"Crosses & Shadows: Australian Christians Discuss the Horror Genre" discussed by Nathan Hobby, Tim Kroenert, Amanda Robertson, Lyn Battersby and Benjamin Szumskyj

It’s available now, so get the heck over to the site and order a copy of what’s shaping up as an important critical journal.

THE GREEN LANTERN IS NOW BURNING

I know you’ve been waiting: head over to Strange Horizons now, and you’ll find my poem I’ll Keep a Green Lantern Burning. Ta-daaaaaa!

TIN DUCKS AND DITMARS

Swancon, this year, is the National SF Convention. Which means that, apart from being eligible to vote for the Western Australian SF ‘Tin Duck’ Awards, members of the convention can also nominate and vote fro the Ditmar Awards.

So should it interest you to know, the Battlist of eligible works for 2007:

Beached: Daikaiju III
The Time Eater: Dr Who- Destination Prague
Father Muerte & The Joy of Warfare: Aurealis 37
Born of Woman: Daikaiju II (Lyn)


BUT, BUT, BUT……

Year 1 already? When did Erin get so big?

And how cute was it to see her bound out of her room at 6am on Monday morning, fully dressed in uniform and hat, with her backpack on her back, ready to go? Poor thing: the longest 2 and a half hours of her life…..

SALES AND PUBLICATIONS

Much movement on the Battersby writing front since the start of the year, ennumerated thus:

• Head on over to Sci Phi Journal, where you can still find myself, Stephen Dedman, and Geoff Maloney filling out the pages of their first issue. My story You Pretty Thing concerns itself with cloning, elevators, and wacky psychiatry hi-jinks.
• I'll Keep a Green Lantern Burning, a powemme no less, will be appearing in Strange Horizons as of February 4th
• Lycanthrope: The Beast Within, a new anthology from Graveside Tales about something or other I can't quite put my finger on, will contain my story The Claws of Native Ghosts. The gooden folken at GT sent me a glowing acceptance letter during the week, and who am I to refuse flattery of that type? :)
• Ben Szumskyj, Perth-based horrorphile and publisher of cool literary works about the genre, raked me over the interviewing coals for the first issue of his upcoming Studies in Australian Weird Fiction. Dunno if that means I'm Australian, weird, or fiction, but I enjoyed the interview, and I'm looking forward to seeing a scholarly magazine aimed at understanding what separates us from the rest of the genre world.

So it's all go, really.

AUREALIS AWARDS

Congratulations to all Aurealis Award winners. The full list will be somewhere on the net by now: Luscious and I had them read to us at a party for just that purpose on Saturday night by the ever-lovely Tehani Wessely, who has finally seen the light and moved to Perth from far-too-close-to-the-centre-of-the-Oz-SF-Universe-for-its-own-good Brisbane. A good, chatty time was had by all. Special mention of the wonderful Anna Tambour, a truly lovely lady and unique writer who is finally getting the notice and reward she's been due for a very long time.

A GOOD WAY TO START THE YEAR

Guess who sold a poem to Strange Horizons today? :)

I'll let you know when I'll Keep a Green Lantern Burning appears

IT OCCURS TO ME....

...that if the Daleks had been smart, they'd have made their battle armour out of Tupperware: not only would it keep their bodies fresh for longer, it comes with a lifetime replacement guarantee.

WRITE-A-RAMA, BABY!

So, what are the kids doing mi-January? Want to sneak three days of artistic education under their radar, disguised as messing about with a fat idiot and his colleagues, and a field trip to a giant aquarium?

You need to have a look at this, then.

The KSP Write-a rama programme is always a lot of fun, and wonderful for kids creative juices. I don't know what anybody else has planned, but my session, entitled "Writing The Weird" will be just that.

Wear old clothes >:)

AND WHAT'S MORE

Head on over to Horrorscope, where they've just published a review of Horror in 2007, including a few words from myself.

It's all go...

2007: THE FINAL COUNT

So, writer boy. How did it turn out, then?

Actually, writing was one of the few bright spots last year. Not as many appearances as in previous years, but a solid number of sales without being spectacular. In the end, it looked a bit like this:

IN PRINT

The Time Eater in Dr Who: Destination Prague
Beached in Daikaiju III
Father Muerte & The Joy of Warfare in Aurealis
Father Muerte & The Flesh in Year’s Best Fantasy & Horror Volume 20 (reprint)

SOLD

You Pretty Thing to Psi Phi Journal—out at this very moment
Truthful Remains to Black Box
Beached to Daikaiju III
Never Grow Old to Aurealis
Messages to Black Box
In From The Snow to Dreaming Again
The Metawhore’s Love Story to Canterbury 2100

Given that I spent large portions of the year dealing with the script for The Memory of Breathing, pitching the novel, and engaged in the AHWA mentorship, I’m reasonably pleased.

The question now, of course, is:

WITHER, 2008?

There’s a lot to be done, Battfans. I’ve committed to delivering a Father Muerte novel to an interested agent by mid-year, plus I want to finish one of the three other novels into which I’ve made good ground- The Corpse Rat King, Clowntown, or The Death of Vaz Tey. As a result, I’m likely to lay down less in the way of short stories, although they’re still my first love, so I’d like to complete a good half-dozen or so. And if I can sneak one in sideways through the door while nobody’s looking, I’d like to at least complete a short film script, or work towards snaffling another contract for a feature film—it’s an exciting form in which to work, and I loved doing so in 2007.

So, you know, that and lose ten kilograms and focus on my family and attend Swancon and make greater inroads into our mortgage and slough away everything that made 2007 such a negative experience and reinvent some sort of social life and maybe have a holiday and do the mentorship thing again and…. yeah, that sounds about right…..

BEOWULF VS A TALKING BEAR

Beowulf 3D-- Violent, clunky, beautifully animated, and glorious. Sure, there are weaknesses in script and execution: the scenes of people on horseback were clumsy, and what the hell was with a naked Dark Ages daemoness wearing high heels? But overall, this was supercharged, involving, and very human, and felt more epic than any movie I've seen since the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The best dragon in movie history was simply an added bonus.

The Golden Compass-- What a fucking yawn. As if basing a large part of the film around Nicole Kidman, easily the coldest and most uninvolving actress of the modern generation, wasn't bad enough, the rest of the film is so badly paced and woodenly acted that I stopped caring before the adventure had even begun. With a lead actress so bad she should have played the lead in a Harry Potter movie, and an ending so cynically paving the way for a sequel, I left the cinema not knowing whether to be thankful it was over or furious that I'd been so brazenly mugged. The bears, at least, were cool.

The verdict: Beowulf rips the bear's front arm off and rams it right up its ass with two minutes to go in the second round. Winner by knockout.

XMAS

Well, it was supposed to be a quiet one, but by the time we’d dropped children off, picked children up, lunched with friends, unwrapped presents, quaffed, imbibed, hung out, yakked, cursed the heat and put batteries into all the toys, it was… pretty usual, really, despite the lack of Christmas decorations and the associated stress of balancing the requirements of an atheist, a returning Jehovah’s Witness, and a bunch of insane children.

And don’t you just hate it when you turn up at a party and some bitch is wearing the same dress as you? How about when you and your Bonus Son buy each other exactly the same present? Kudos to Lyn for keeping a straight face while Aiden and I swapped gifts: a house with two Face of Boe action figures is a house with two happy nerds indeed!

For the record, I received a biography of Dave Allen and a beautiful garden ornament from my sweetie, and ate more chocolate than any three premenstrual women I know.

Happy fat man.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

What could be more cruisin’? Hanging out at the new (and beautiful) abode of Martin and Dr Izz along with good pals Shane and Angela, piles of pizza before us and nowt else to do but chat, drink, chow down, curse the memory of 2007 and talk up our chances of a successful year ahead. It was the perfect way to raise a middle digit to the year just gone, and remind ourselves that good friends are better than bad family, any day.

AQWANAUTS

So what do you do when Number Wansan has bogged off to a party, you’ve got nothing to do until you head off to your own party, and the house is full of Number Toosan, Thrisan, and Wangul?

Bundle them in the car and run ‘em down to AQWA, where Erin can discover a new obsession with Leafy Seadragons (and why the hell not?), Connor can discover an intellectual equal in a performing seal, and the rest of us can attempt to take photos of fast moving fish with a camera that rates about whythefuckdidwebuythispieceofshit on the scale of goodness.

Some photies:

WE ARE THE WEREWOLF FAMILY!

A couple of months ago it was zombies, now my darling daughter wanders into the office and presents me with the texta-coloured expression of love below:

Dig the hair, baby!

That’s right: we’re a family, and according to Erin, we’re werewolves.

She’s cute, my daughter. Wednesday Addams cute….

SCI PHI IS GO!

Check it out! The first issue of new magazine Sci Phi Journal, with stories by the likes of Stephen Dedman, Geoffrey Maloney, and yours truly.

Each issue of Sci Phi will examine various philosophical ideas, using articles to present academic discussion, and stories to treat it in a fictional context. Issue #1 is based, broadly, on notions of Time and Immortality, and contains stories and articles by, apart from those mentioned above, Ben Goertzel and Stephan Vladimir Bugaj, Paul S. Jenkins, Ryan Nichols, Jason Pomerantz, Jason Rennie, Michael Spence, and Matt Wallace.

$7 gets you a bootful of podcasty action. You know you want it.

Oooooohhhh, coverlicious!

2008 IN REVIEW

Yup, it's that time of year: the point where I trot out the old year-in-review meme and slap down a few answers. To whit:

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Published a Doctor Who story, volunteered at my daughter’s school, saw publication in the Year’s Best F&H, planted a vegetable garden, mentored a writer online.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, and no: as per the pirate code, I consider them more like goideloines.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but that should change next year, when Lyn’s best friend’s daughter has her baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No. I remember the day the music died, but we hadn't spoken for years.

5. What countries did you visit? None. I wanted to visit the country of the blind, and even poked out one eye, but then never got around to it. Should have planned things a bit better, on reflection...

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Peace. Tranquility. Career advancement.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? None in particular: the year was highlighted only by the change in depth of craptitude.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Sending 14 stories out and selling 7. The Dr Who and Year’s Best publications. Picking and eating home grown tomatoes and strawberries.

9. What was your biggest failure? Cassandra.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? A mystery stomach illness that had me bedridden for nearly a fortnight, a chest infection that never really went away, a lot of physical pain generally.

11. What was the best thing you bought? The solar lights for the patio gardens are beautiful, the fans for the kids bedrooms are doing great work, but the family iPod and its car-player are, perhaps, the best buys this year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Lyn, as always: the way she has struggled through depression, harassment, and the emotional bullying her daughter handed out was a source of inspiration. Aiden, also, has blossomed this year, into an amazing young man, with poise, maturity, and self-confidence, and it’s been a joy to be a part of it.\

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Cassandra. A descent into criminality, hatred, and bile that almost spelled ruin for Lyn and I. Last year, I hoped for the return of my favourite Bonus daughter. This year, I have no hope for that at all.

14. Where did most of your money go? The house. Transport to and from work. Lunch.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Not much, really. The continuing refinements to the house and gardens. Losing weight, until that stalled and began to move in the opposite direction again. Seeing my name in a Dr Who book- dorky, I know, but something I wished for as a kid and never seriously thought I’d see

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? “Days” by the Kinks. “Grace Kelly” by Mika. “C is for Cookie” by Cookie Monster- I’ve taken a lot of car trips with the kids this year….

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:i. happier or sadder? ii. thinner or fatter? iii. richer or poorer? Sadder, thinner, richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Writing. Being with my family. Being happy. Ignoring the bloodsuckers and emotional vampires.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Hating. Feeling helpless. Carrying around depression and anger. Failing. Hurting.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Picking children up, dropping children off.\

21. Who did you meet for the first time? Sally Harding, my new work acquaintances, Mark Smith-Briggs, the 2007 Clarionites, Jasoni and Amazon Kate, Kelly Link & Gavin Grant, Gardner Dozois, the lovely people at Queensland Writer’s Centre.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007? Stayed in love.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Neat. The City Gardener. From Junky to Funky. The Family Guy. Time Team. Garden Invaders.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Just myself.

25. What was the best book you read? The Portrait of Mrs Charbaque by Geoffrey Ford, by a street. Also James Tiptree Jr: The Double Life of Alice B Sheldon by Julie Phillips (Proof that one man’s literary hero is another’s egocentric, drug-addled murderer). Special mention to Geoffrey Ryman’s short, Pol Pot’s Beautiful Daughter which is one of the most amazing stories I have ever read: haunting, beautiful, terrible, perfect.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Richard Cheese was both cool and hilarious. Mika is a lot of fun, especially the high-rotation-at-our-house Grace Kelly. But again, it was a case of what is old is new: A Hot-Fuzz-Soundtrack driven rediscovery of The Kinks and their brilliant back catalogue, especially Days, which I have decided to have played at my funeral, Death of a Clown which inspired a to-be-written-in-2008 novel, and Plastic Man, eternally changed by Erin into ‘The Song With The Plastic Bum’.

27. What was your favourite film of this year? A very thin year for fillums due to lack of opportunity. We just didn’t get out to them. Casino Royale was excellent, as was Hot Fuzz. Howl's Moving Castle, which we saw on DVD, was delightful. The Illusionist was okay, at least better than that over-rated Jackman/Baile one whose name escapes me. Transformers was a laugh, but mainly because I went with the boys. Ratatouille was decent, but nothing more. Must make mention of Bee Movie, however, which walks away with the prize for biggest pile of shit viewed this year. Jerry, if you’re reading, just stop. Please: just stop.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 37. Kept it quiet. Was in the middle of a minicon at the time, so apart from a lovely panel audience rendition of Happy Birthday, led by my good friend Stephen, just cruised through it. Did a panel on Wacky WWII Nazi weapons. As you do.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Happiness. Cassandra joining the decent side of humanity. Advancing my career in a meaningful way.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Same as last year: fat.\

31. What kept you sane? Gardening. Frisbee with the kids. Facebook, to distraction (Oooh, I just thought of New Year’s resolution…), The CI Channel, comfort eating, Lyn Lyn Lyn Lyn LYN.

32. What political issue stirred you the most? Even the Federal election was a humdrum non-event. Hard to care about industrial reform when you’re driving through the night to pick your kid out of gaol.

33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. Doors are built to keep the world out, and they're not just physical.

34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I was a, was a kamikaze pilot
They gave me a plane, I couldn’t fly it home.
Taught me how to take off, I didn’t know how to land.
They say it doesn’t matter and I just cannot understand.
-- I was a Kamikaze Pilot, Hoodoo Gurus


So there you go. Same time next year!

SUMMER IN THE GARDEN OF BATTERSBY

HOW YOU KNOW...

…….. you don't fit in:

LEE: It's all a matter of what you're willing to sacrifice, and I'd rather sacrifice money than family.
WORK ACQUAINTANCE: Yeah.
LEE: And, you know, I'd rather sacrifice a goat than a virgin.
REST OF TEAM: ……….. (stares)………….
LEE: (sighs)

LAZY SATURDAY MORNING FUN

So have a gander and see what the Father-of-nerds found his kids playing with as he wandered through the dining room this morning.


Of course, what was really nerdy was having to explain to them why they weren't for playing with....

AND THE REST

So why, I hear none of you cry, has it been so long, and why, none of you echo, have my messages been so damn depressed-sounding lately?

Three weeks ago, I fell ill. No idea why, really, but it resulted in two weeks off work, and on the 27th, I spent most of my day in hospital being checked out for suspected appendicitis (it wasn't).

The following afternoon, we received a phone call, and spent three hours driving to Bunbury to bail out Darth Barbie, who'd been arrested.

She's been with us since then. To say it has been easy would be... wrong. Normally, I'd be all ranty and get it all off my chest, but this one is different, I think. This girl hs been allowed to go so far off the rails that bringing her back into a normal sphere of thinking is too important, and ultimately, too private. I feel like we're fighting to bring someone back from the precipice, and it's exhausting, it's frequently devastating, and we spend almost the entirety of our time trying to keep our family unity together in the face of a child whose only recourse to dealing with the world is to spit hatred and anger at those trying to save her.

This family is going for a long walk. We may be some time.

10 SONGS FOR AN ALTERNATIVE XMAS SOUNDTRACK

You know, and I know, and that guy over there knows, that Christmas carols suck the farts out of dead pigeons. But you know, and I know, that for some reason known only to themselves, shopping centres and every relative you have that holds a party you’re forced to attend despite the fact you’re quite happy with the fact that you haven’t seen them since last Christmas don’t seem to understand the suckage of these vile and saccharine odes to Bing Crosby’s ongoing need to fund his child beating activities. (Heya, Bing. Don’t ever change, you lovable and heart-wearming dead guy, you, dooby-dooby-doo)

So, by way of a public service, and in an effort to get some rock and roll (not to mention discord) into your family drunken-street-cricket shenanigans this year, allow me to present Battersby’s 10 Songs to beat Rudolph to Death With list.

1. Apocalypso- Mental As Anything. Santa gets drunk while the world blows itself up. Yeah, baby!
2. Happy Xmas (War is Over)- John Lennon. So this is Christmas, and what have you done? Got shot? Wow, bummer.
3. Oi To The World- The Vandals. Smelly punks try to be sincere about playing nice at Christmas. Head-bangy and snurky all at once.
4. This is Christmas- Slade. Everybody else gets loaded and shouts Christmas songs at the top of their voice to cover up the fact they don’t remember the lyrics, why shouldn’t Noddy Holder?
5. Santa’s Beard- They Might Be Giants. Someone pretends to be Santa in order to move into the narrator’s house and prong his wife. Sounds like a lot of hard work to me.
6. Do They Know It’s Christmas?- Band Aid. Feed the world and destroy the ozone layer getting your hair ready for the film clip. Here’s a tip on how you can feed Africa- take the buffet table away from Simon Le Bon.
7. Detachable Penis- King Missile. Has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas in any capacity, but just watch Nanna choke on her plum pudding when she realises what it *is* about.
8. Men’s Room, LA- Kinky Friedman. A sensitive, soul-affirming song about a man having a conversation with the picture of Jesus he’s just about to use to wipe his ass. First time I heard it, I laughed an entire Christian out my nose.
9. Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis- Tome Waites. So all-encompassingly depressing it could be a country and western song. Suicides skyrocket during Christmas. Play this for your family and watch them join the statistics.
10. The Little Drummer Boy- Joan Jett. Leather clad lesbian rockers who make songs about innocent boys beating drums give Lee a hardon.

Let me know how you get on...

THE SHORTLIST OF THE YEAR

Congratulations to everyone who copped a mention in the Aurealis Awards shortlist for this year. You can see the full list here. Pats on back and manly hugs especially to pal and fellow West Australian Shane Jiraiya Cummings— a little validation for some struggles in the face thereof, I hope.


ANOTHER OF THOSE "IS IT JUST ME?" MOMENTS

Watching the ridiculous amounts of time and effort expended by work acquaintances (I shudder to use the word ‘colleagues’) in putting up acres of christmas decorations over every square inch of ceiling, cubicles, and filing cabinets, can I be the only one tempted to inform management that I’m a Satanist and demand equal representation…?

“Hey! Hey, you! The dumpy middle aged woman in the elf hat! Yeah, you! Find somewhere to hang this upside-down Jesus-taking-it-from-a-goat doll, would you?”

ON THE SUBJECT OF ERIN

What do you get when your six year old discovers the notion of iPod playlists, and begs for one of her own so she can listen to her favourites on the trip down to Nanna’s house?

In order of “this is my favourite ever!”-ness, the Top 10 Erin Battersby Favourite Songs Of All Time (typically, there are 11):

1. Chicago- Sufjan Stevens
2. Ballroom Blitz- The Sweet
3. Ca Plane Pour Moi- Plastic Bertrand
4. The Distance- Cake
5. Hunting Tigers- The Bonzo the Dog Doo-Dah Band
6. We Will Rock You- Queen
7. Tripping- Robbie Williams
8. The Urban Spaceman- The Bonzos, again
9. Bad Reputation- Half Cocked
10. 500 Miles- The Proclaimers
11. Stop The Cavalry- Jona Lewie

Make of that what you will...

Well, for reasons we'll get into in a moment, it's been a while. Let's start with the positive, shall we?

6!

Happy birthday to our darling daughter Erin, who turned 6 on the 5th, which means that for the first and only time in her life she gets to be twice the age of her younger brother. Next year, of course, she’ll be exactly half as old as her youngest older brother, and the year after that she’ll be exactly half the age of her eldest older brother. Who says math can’t be fun? And, of course, if she’s on a train that leaves at exactly 3 o’clock and travels south at an average of 60 kilometres per hour…...

Having dealt with the carnage created by Connor’s party the previous week, Luscious and I wisely decided to outsource Erin’s party to Dinosaur Jim’s, a playgym warehouse in Joondalup (6 months of begging by said daughter having had nothing to do with the decision….). And a bloody good time was had by all: cake and sweeties-fuelled games and playing, more Bratz/Barbie/fairy/girly merchandising than any pink-stained girlie could dream of, and all the parents sitting sedately in a corner watching someone else deal with it all :)

Next year, we’re just going to kill each kid a week before their birthday…..

Six years old, and beautiful

Some pictures speak for themselves

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

I was, at least, able to finish and send The Metawhore's Love Story, my submission for Agog Press' upcoming Canterbury 2100 anthology and my 13th submission for the year. I set myself for a dozen this year, so with a month to go, I'm a bit chuffed.

Next up is to finish I'm a Boy by the end of the week and send that along to The Psi-Phi Show, and then I might be able to relax this weekend and plot out the Father Muerte novel that me and my big mouth have committed to delivering to the agent by the middle of next year.

THE DINOSAURS ARE EXTINCT, AND I DON'T LOOK TOO GOOD MYSELF

It's been a week, so can I please stop feeling so damn sick? It's been nothing but dizziness, nausea, pain in the stomach, and general shittiness beyond compare. I even spent most of the afternoon at the hospital today, establishing that yes, my GP was indeed a bit hasty, and it wasn't appendicitis after all.....

Really, I'm over it. You've had your fun. Let's move on.

C is 3!

Today, my little boy turned 3 years old. It's hard for me to digest: at times, his life has been such a struggle, beset by problems and setbacks such that I wondered how he'd ever get past them. But here he is, a beautiful, rambunctious, intelligent, wondrous child, with a spirit and personality I've never seen in another child his age, and my love for, and devotion to, him grows greater each day.

Happy birthday, Connor, my darling son.

3 years old, and a paragon of grace and dignity. And ice-cream.

THE COOLEST CAKE KNOWN TO BOY

We threw a party for the C-Train on Saturday: the grounds of the Batthome were witness to runningandjumpingandscreaminganddrinkingandeatingandmorescreamingandplaying friends and family of the birthday boy, and Luscious and I were eternally grateful to our decision to use nothing but disposable plates and cutlery. But it was huge fun for all concerned, and especially gratifying was the number of times an accompanying parent said "Thank you for having (Insert child's name). It was their first birthday party and it was great!"

But for special super duper greatness in the pike position, allow me to present the birthday cake, made from scratch by a woman who shall remain known only as my-bloody-genius-of-a-child-rearing-wife:

Ex-ter-mi-cake!

I ask you: how goddamn cool is that? Even the chocolate dalekanium buttons were hand made. I can't wait to see what she comes up with in ten years time, when he starts to take an interest in girls....

Yes, she is a clever girl, then.

AND ON THAT NOTE

Congratulations to Sarah and Jon on the arrival of Jack Raven Aubrey. May he grow up happy, and tall, and just to be different..... purple.

Not that I'm out of the loop or anything, but I guess if you don't have Livejournal you can't expect to find things out on time.

NIGHT’S EDGE...

...was a fun two days away from the world. Rather than bore you with a detailed Con report (If you’re like me, detailed reports of Cons you didn’t go to leave you a wee bit disinterested), some random personal highlights:

*Two days away from the world, in a hotel room, with Lyn. People should be glad they saw us at all...

* The Wacky Weapons of WWII panel with Paul Kidd. I don’t know Paul socially, but he and I seem to work really well together on panels. It may have something to do with being two geekboys with rampant senses of humour. But it was a funny panel, a very funny panel indeed.

*A spur of the moment pool tournament between me and the boys, in an empty bar during two hours of panels we didn’t fancy attending. For the record, Blake Henry Triffitt, aged 13, is a bloody shark.

*Aiden Triffitt, Mobile Daycare. Three sets of friends brought their under-3s to the Con, and at several moments, Aiden took it upon himself to look after the kids and give said parents some adult time. Nobody told him to, nobody even asked him to. Aiden simply decided that he wanted to help, and what’s more, he was brilliant at it. And to me, it’s a measure of how trusted and respected he is already, at age 14, that the parents in question handed over their babies and then turned their attentions away without constantly checking to see if their kids were okay. They just knew that they were.

*Aiden and Kaneda Go Large. I’ve joked before about how Aiden is turning into ‘One of Ussssssss’. But I will remember this as the Con when he stopped turning, and simply was. We allowed Aiden his freedom, within the usual parental limits, and he didn’t let us down: attending panels on his own, wandering the convention space on his own merits, consorting with the friends he has made by himself (And while many of those friends are also ours, not once did I feel they hung out with him, when we weren’t around, out of anything other than genuine friendship towards him), and interacting with the convention environment as a member in his own right, rather than just ‘Lyn & Lee’s boy’. And when he attended the Saturday night party wearing his pal Kaneda’s hat and boots, and announced that they were heading down to the fan lounge to practice their stunt falls, a Fen was born :)

*The Legend of Mothers Sarah. Okay, Kylie as well, but that buggers the Manga reference….. I’ll admit it: I’m a sucker for the teensy-tiny people. So I loved seeing babies Nora, Vincent, and Ellie at the con. And much kudos to a monumentally-heavy Callisto for getting through the two days with body and emotions intact.

*The all-in jokefest that started out as a panel on how to survive the apocalypse and ended up as a discussion on whether we could create a horse-drawn internet in time.

*A brand new Grant Watson comic book. My inner Grantfan says Yay. My outer Grantfan agrees.

*Dinner with friends and general attendance. I’ve been away too long.

At this stage, Swancon is theoretically possible, but financially problematic. But unlike last year, I at least want to go.

BIRTHDAY

I turned 37 on Sunday, and didn’t really care, other than that my family showed their love for me by making sure I was well rewarded, and I was able to bask in the glow of their happiness. The boys, especially, blew me away, taking money from their Con budget to sneak out and buy me three DVDs when I wasn’t looking, despite the fact they’d been told that there would be no more money once they’d spent their lot. Having already bought myself the present I desired (a potentially magnificent rare protea longifolia (piccie down the bottom of the page) sapling currently dubbed The Fifty Dollar Stick), it was a touching gesture that genuinely left me speechless. I have a wonderful family, and at the risk of sounding all tree-huggy about it, I’d much rather spend a day in their happy company than be showered with all the gifts in the world. Not that I’m giving any back….

Many thanks also to my good friend Stephen Dedman, who not only presented me with a copy of Men And Cartoons by Jonathon Lethem, over which I’d been seen to lust, but led the assembled crowd in a chorus of Happy Birthday at the end of my last panel, causing me to lapse into embarrassed mumbleness.

And thank you to the long list of friends, colleagues, and facebook pals who have contacted me to wish me a happy one. A happy one was had, everyone. (Incidentally, big slaps on back to Simon Haynes and Chris Barnes, fellow no-longer-unique Remembrance Day birthday boy writer types)

But, as has become my tradition, at least mentally, I now present thee with the by-no-means-comprehensive list of famous people wot I have outlived. To whit:

THEY DIED AGED 36, POSSIBLY WITH BOOTS ON

Marilyn Monroe; Diana, Princess of Wales; Georges Bizet; George, Lord Byron; George Armstrong Custer; Veronica Guerin; Doc Holliday; Blind Lemon Jefferson; Casey Jones; Phil Lynott; Bob Marley; Maximilian Robespierre; Henri Toulouse-Lautrec; Gene Vincent; and Nathanael West.

This is, of course, hardly an exhaustive list. Feel free to contribute your own favourite dead 36 byear old, and we'll start the cloning process.

SOLD!

It’s been an interesting year, as far as story sales have gone. What with other projects and Real life ™, sales have somewhat resembled a cowboy riding a falling nuclear bomb. That is, they’ve been Slim Pickens (Zap! Pow Kapiiingggg! Comedy GOLD!)

Ahem.

Aaaaanyway, the good news is that I received an email from Stuart Mayne of Aurealis last night, to tell me that they’ve accepted my urban Peter Pan fantasy story Never Grow Old. Which makes me happy indeed. It will appear in issue 40, which is due to be born in December. Never Grow Old marks my 5th sale to Aurealis. If the magazine were the Luftwaffe, that’d make me an ace, and I’d get to wear a little square of coloured cloth on the breast area of my t-shirt when I go to Cons.

Damn I’m in a strange mood today.

AHWA MENTORSHIPS ON AGAIN

Marty Young, happy and disturbingly attractive severed-head honcho of the Australian Horror Writer’s Association, contacted me during the week to sound out my interest in being involved in their mentorship program again next year. Given the fantastic time I had working with Mark Smith-Briggs this year, my reply was an immediate and enthusiastic Yes!

This time around, I’ll be making myself available to work with short stories, and scripts of up to 45 minutes length. No official announcements yet, but applications are likely to be open as of January 1st for mentorships to begin sometime towards March. I’ll let you know as details become available.

REMIX MY LIT

Also from the cool project front comes my participation in the Remix My Lit project. Several established authors will have their stories ‘remixed’ by up and coming new scribes, and the results, as well as the original stories, will be made available using a Creative Commons license, for people to read and to remix themselves. A dauntingly-talented list of writers from a wide variety of genres, including our own Kim Wilkins, has already signed on for what should be an awful lot of fun. More details are available at the website, and like always, I’ll keep you posted as details present themselves.

A BIG SHINY FLOWER AT THE END OF THE POST

Ooooohh, gardenporn :)

ONE AMONGST US IS A SOPPY OLD WOOSBAG

So Lyn's out with Aiden, I'm alone at the computer, and Nick Caves' The Ship Song has come on, which is the song we were married to.

Sniff. Bloody dusty in this office........

A SHORT PAUSE

Off to Night's Edge tomorrow, where I shall eat, drink, be merry, and mark Remembrance Day by participating in a panel on wacky Nazi weapons of World War II. Classy.....

Normal service will be rant-sumed as of Monday.

MEMITY MEMITY MEMITY

You know, it's been a bloody while since I clogged up the electrothingywebboglassteatosphere with a pointless meme. And I don't have time to do one now, so here's one I did earlier (okay, a minute or so ago), courtesy of Luscious.

Four places I have lived...

1. Nottingham, England
2. Narrogin, Western Australia
3. Rockingham, Western Australia
4. Maylands, Western Australia

Four TV shows I love to watch

1. The City Gardener
2. Snapped
3. Time Team
4. The English Premier League (not this season though, sigh...)

Four places I have been on vacation...

1. Phuket
2. Brisbane
3. Melbourne
4. Albany

Four Places I Plan to go on vacation...

1. Rome
2. Great Britain
3. New Zealand
4. Egypt

Four of my favourite foods...

1. Cottage fish pie
2. Canneloni
3. Caesar Salad (especially if it contains pineapple. Try it. Go on...)
4. Creme caramel

Four Places I would rather be Right Now...

1. Night's Edge convention. First Con I've been eager to attend in over a year.24 hours to go.
2. On holiday with Lyn, wandering through somewhere spectacular for the soul.
3. Riding an elephant.
4. Inside the TARDIS. Yes, it is shallow. Shutup.

THAT'S OUR BOY

So how proud were we when we recieved an invitation to attend Aranmore High School's end of year awards ceremony because Blake was due to receive a gong? Bursting with, is the correct answer.

We don't often get a chance to say it, because Blake doesn't stay with us anywhere as much as we want, or as he should. But he is a deeply special young man, and carries limitless potential in his hyperactive young frame. In a school with such demanding academic and social requirement, to achieve any sort of award is no small thing.

We're proud of you, Blakey-boy.

Source of pride and his happy Mum

THASS MAH GIRL!

Question time: what is the figure in this picture, presented to me by a certain sweetly-smiling 5 year old daughter yesterday?







Princess? Hawaiian dancer? A friend from school? Mummy?


Allow me to quote: It's a zombie. See its dead hair and its smelly feet? And its bra!


Snurk snigger snort gasp choke......

IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Yeah, it has, hasn't it. Much Real Life (tm) has been the cause. Anyway, moving on....

TWO THOUGHTS THAT OCCUR TO ME WHILST WATCHING MATT JAMES ON THE CITY GARDENER

1. Cor, I love the gardens he creates

2. Why, in 5 years of high school guidance counsellors, did nobody ever offer ‘celebrity gardener’ to me?

THE HIDDEN SECRET OF THE MELBOURNE CUP

It’s just a fucking horse race.

BATTERSBY’S OBSCURE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS FOUND IN THE DUSTY CORNERS OF POPULAR CULTURE: THE FIRST IN A SERIES

Where: The Best of Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet, Ballantine Books, page 378
Answer: No, it was Keith David.

FOR I HAVE BOOKS!

Reading has been high on the agenda at the Batthome in days recent: a plethora of books have come our way, courtesy of contributor copies and the good folks at Powell’s. To whit:

My contributor’s copies of Year's Best Fantasy and Horror Volume 20 and Year's Best Australian SF & Fantasy Volume 3 are here, both of which contain Father Muerte & The Flesh.

Daikaiju III, the last of Rob Hood & Robin Pen’s outrageous and fun Daikaiju series stomped into the house as well, containing Beached. Lyn’s story Born of Woman is a highlight of DII, so pick them both up at the same time and see how differently we treat the same brief.

And thanks to the Lords of Paypal, The Best of Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet now sits upon my reading table. By turns outlandish and delightful, this is rapidly becoming my book of the year, filled with a terrifically entertaining array of weirdness. It’s certainly the most I’ve been engaged in a book since reading The Book of slipstream earlier in the year.

MOVIE PROGRESS

Contracts arrived, were signed, and sent back. Now we wait for the Director to read the script and decide on what (if anything, he says with an air of utter naivete) needs changing. The project remains at a fork: we still move forward, although, should the producers fail to attract a shooting budget, and the film not reach principal photography stage, I could still walk away with nothing but a large chunk of the year chalked up to experience.

Dear God, I’m a simple man…….

CLARION 2009 TUTORS ANNOUNCED

Durnit: I had a blast at Clarion South 2007, and it stands as a highlight of my professional career. But I’ve not made the cut as far as being invited back to teach again next time out. That, however, is my disappointment. You, on the other hand, should be very excited indeed by the ‘greatest hits’ lineup of former tutors who have been announced as your guides through the emotional and professional bombardment that will be Clarion South 2009. In no particular order except the actual order in which they’ll appear, they are:

Sean Williams
Marianne de Pierres
Margo Lanagan
Jack Dann
And two entire weeks of Kelly Link & Gavin Grant.

Call me biased, but to me, that’s a genuinely exciting line up.

A CRYPTIC MESSAGE OF LOVE TO TWO OF OUR LOVELIEST FRIENDS

Star Wars on the accordion to you both, guys. We miss you.

books clarion friends gardening TV The+Memory+of+Breathing,

AT LAST

Blake is home.

BLAKE

Stayed in last night, and is staying overnight again tonight, as he's not responding to treatment as well as had been hoped. He's actually quite bright and happy, but walking makes him dizzy and he's still wheezing.

ALL MY GANGS AGLAYED

The plan was such a simple one: get the littlies out of the house for a few hours this morning so that Aidey-baby and B-Henry could have a morning to themselves without having their younger siblings climbing all over them at every opportunity. A few hours for the big two to lounge about like holidaying teenagers without a care or duty in the world. Which, you know, they are.

The moment we arrived home from our wandering, Aiden shot off to his best friend's house. And fair enough, too: teenager, holiday, no cares or duty. Half an hour later he was back: poo, meet fan. Fan, poo.

Because Blake couldn't stop coughing, and he couldn't stop wheezing, and his asthma protocols meant we were going to the hospital. By 12.30, he and I were in the emergency department and he was getting his first dose of super-ventolin.

And he's still there. He'll be there until the morning. His Mum's right beside him, on a fold out bed tucked into a corner of the ward. And I'm at home, having sat with him for the last couple of hours, after Lyn and I had taken shifts all afternoon to be with him. And frankly, all I want to do is put my head under my pillow and cry.

It's been 6 years since my first wife died. For those who came in late, she died in hospital. Because of hospital. There's more, but that's the crux. And still, every time I walk into a hospital, a part of my heart freezes. Walking in with someone I love, being there as they are admitted, and given a bed, and then having to leave them to come home.... sheer, unmitigated terror. And, you know, I'm the Bonus Dad, and the husband, so I'm holding it all together and making little witticisms to keep the mood light (next time you see Blakey, ask him how the circumcision went....) and absorbing all the information, and counting the puffs so Blake can concentrate on just breathing nice and slow and steady....

There's a part of me that just knows I'm not going to see him again, no matter how nonsensical and insane I know that idea to be. And I just cannot stop wanting to cry.