It's almost the end of December. Almost time to close my eyes to my day job, shut the door on the world, and have as many as ooooooooohhhhh, nine or ten entire days of rest before I have to plaster a smile on my face and head out to do this shit all over again for another year.
Most people drown in sight of shore, you know....
So. 2013. Here's how it panned out:
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd
never done before?
Sold a children’s novel. Went on a
writing retreat.
2. Did you achieve your goals for the
year, and will you make more for next year?
It was a mixed year on the goal front.
Some were achieved; some were diverted into similar-sounding-but-not-quite-as-sexy
options, the goal equivalent of waking up and finding you’ve spent a passionate
night of borderline-illegal sexual escapades with someone named Charles-Lee
Theron; and some exist because I am, at heart, a comedian. See if you can pick
which ones belong where.
1. 1. Lose 12 kilograms
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAmoving
on.
2. 2. Send Father Muerte & the Divine chapters and
synopsis to Agent Rich
Actually, I got quite close on this
one. I’ve written the first draft of the novel, and have started the long,
dreary process of line-editing, and I’ll probably have this package on Agent
Rich’s desk by the end of February at the latest. In all probability I’d have
done this by now, but for the small matter of finishing and selling an entirely
different novel in the meantime. Call it a ½ win…
3. 3. Pitch a 3rd Corpse-Rat King Novel
Achieved. Had Angry Robot taken it,
they would have received a novel that saw Marius and his motley crew travel to
the centre of the planet in a quest to discover the God whose existence he had
so roundly denied in the previous two volumes. They decided not to, so it will
remain unwritten.
4. 4. Write a new novel
Close, but one that was definitely
derailed by Real Life ™. A couple of starts were made, but despite 15 000 words
on Cirque, 12 000 words on Canals of Anguilar and serious plotting work on
both The Hall of Small Questions and The Sin-Eater’s Lonely Children, none
of them reached completion.
5. 5. Write a kids novel
Ah. Now this one, this one, we can call
an unqualified success. I’ve sent the contract back to the publisher, so I
think I can safely reveal that Magwitch and Bugrat was successfully written
and sold this year, and will be appearing in early 2015 under the Walker Books
logo.
And with starts undertaken for two new books called Amelia
Charles Frankenberg and Antimony Lavage, it may not be the last children’s
book I complete, either.
6. 6. Turn Napoleone’s Land into a fantasy novel
Well, yes and no. Napoleone’s Land was
an early novel, an alternative history that didn’t quite work and was ripe for
changing into a more solidly-realised fantasy novel. I’ve made the requisite
changes and run the first few chapters to Agent Rich. We’re yet to see if the
concept has any legs. Another ½ point.
7. 7. Enter Nnovvember
Nnovvember is an AFOL community-wide
initiative that takes place each November, with fans building Lego Vic Vipers
in memory of legendary AFOL Nate ‘nnenn’ Neilson. I blogged about it here last year, when I had my first go at creating one, and fully intended to
have another crack at it this year. Then I passed 20 000 pieces in my
collection and got all excited about the idea of rebuilding all of my 85 sets,
a venture I dubbed the Great 2013 Set Rebuild, and which is still ongoing.
Calling Charles-Lee Theron….
8. 8. Design a Corpse- Rat King ‘Wreck of the Nancy
Tulip’ Cuusoo kit.
Uh, yeah. Lot of weather we’re having.
This one was a victory of ambition over talent. For those of you who don’t
know, Cuusoo is a website that allows Lego fans to post pictures of their
creations, and have other fans vote on them, but with a small twist—if a model
attracts 10 000 votes, Lego have committed to reviewing the design with the aim
of turning it into a real life, honest-to-golly real limited release actual Lego
set.
For those who haven’t read The
Corpse-Rat King, fuck you: you’re the reason I can’t have nice things. For
those who have read it, you’ll remember that the Nancy Tulip is a long-lost
Scorban warship, flagship of mad King Nandus’ fleet, which Marius finds while
lost under the waves, and which he explores in the company of Nandus, whose skeleton
has been fused with that of his favourite horse, Littleboots, into some sort of
insane Centaurian loony. And you wonder why I can’t sleep at nights.
Anyway, it would have made a great
model. I, unfortunately, lacked only time, design skills, talent, time, and the
right pieces to make it work. Not to mention talent.
So, there we are. 2013 was a year of
mixed fortunes in many ways, and my goals list reflects that. What does 2014
have in store? It’s hard to say. Right now we’re grappling with financial
worries, health issues and the need to refresh a house that is looking battered
and dilapidated from a combination of bad construction and a large family. I’ll
be sitting down with Luscious and the kids to discuss the new year shortly.
I’ll post any goals then.
But I won’t be making any promises.
3. Did anyone close to you give
birth?
Not this year, although I’ll be a
grandfather for the second time in early 2014, which will be very, very cool.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, we escaped the Gods for another 12
months.
5. What countries did you visit?
Every year I come up with something
passable witty for why I haven’t travelled yet again……
No. I’m skint. I’ll probably always be
skint. ‘Other countries’ is just something that happens to other people, now.
6. What would you like to have in
2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Peace. Tranquillity. Serenity.
7. What dates from 2013 will remain
etched upon your memory, and why?
February: I hadn’t been to the PerthWriter’s Festival in something like 13 years, but the presence of China
Meiville prompted Luscious and I to buy tickets to one of his speaking
engagements this year, then back it up by taking Connor to the Family Day. I
was blown away by the scale and professionalism of the event, and vowed on the spot to make it a point to work
my way into the presentation line-up within the next 2 years. It was a
significant turning point in my desires as an author, an opening of my career
horizons. I wish I’d had it earlier.
May: That was the month Connor began to
vomit regularly, an illness called Rumination Syndrome that has slowly taken over his entire life, and
that of his Mother. It is not underplaying things to say that our entire lives
have been overturned: our every decision now takes into account the effect on
Connor’s health, his state of mind, and his sense of shame and humiliation when
vomiting fits overtake him in public.
November: After two years of growing
frustration and entrapment, Aiden was able to leave home and move into a place
of his own, in the company of his girlfriend, brother and best mate. I couldn’t
be happier for him: his unhappiness was obvious to all who knew him, and while
we knew the cause there was little we could do to alter his situation but offer
support, hope the right agent was willing to take a chance on a bunch of early
20-somethings, and try not to murder him for his constant misery and rudeness.
In the last 2 weeks he’s been happier than I’ve seen him in a long time, and
I’m pleased as punch for him. The time was right, and he has an unlimited
future ahead of him.
8. What was your biggest achievement
of the year?
Quite honestly, I don’t feel like I
have one. It’s been a head-above-water kind of year.
9. What was your biggest failure?
My inability to find a solution for my
son’s ongoing illness and provide him with the healthy, active life he
deserves, and my inability to be there more often for the mother who has been
forced to give up her own goals and dreams to be next to him while he grows
weak from the constant vomiting and attempts to collect some form of schooling
and education for him along the way.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Heh. Did we suffer illness or injury?
SIDDOWN!
Yeah. We’ve had illness and injury.
11. What was the best thing you
bought?
With such a difficult year, we took the
opportunity to find special moments whenever we could. CrimeScene WA gave
us a chance to widen our writing horizons by exposing ourselves to a range of
industry experts and writers outside our usual sphere. A long weekend in
Margaret River, while the kids stayed with their grandmother, gave us a chance to take ourselves on an intimate, two-person writing retreat we dubbed Battcon13. And the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who gave us the
chance to take the kids out to the cinema and share a communal experience of
overwhelming positivity and joy with them.
12. Whose behaviour merited
celebration?
Two people in particular, and if you’ve
been paying any sort of attention, you won’t be remotely surprised.
Connor has had a cross to bear that no
nine year old should ever have to contemplate, but for the last seven months
has done so with maturity, grace and an overwhelming positivity that has
balanced out the constant indignity and humiliation that his illness has forced
upon him. His humour, buoyant personality, and lively intelligence are a
constant inspiration to me, and I feel my heart seize every time I look at him.
And Luscious has been the rockingest rock
that ever rocked a rock: she has been by Connor’s side ever moment of every
day, holding his hand, providing the sustenance and succour his soul has needed
without ever once bemoaning the goals and dreams she has sacrificed to keep his
life above water. She has laid aside her University studies, her writing
career, and her thoughts of employment, and has, instead taken on the task of
full-time carer and home educator, and given our boy the best quality of life
that someone in his situation could hope for. She is a marvel, and there is no
pedestal high enough upon which I can raise her. She is the soul of our family,
its beating heart, and we are nothing without her.
And
in the background, Erin has motored along quietly, continuing her growth into
an articulate, talented and caring young woman: always helping, always taking
care of those around her, always facing the day with the belief that she can
make a positive impact upon the lives of those she loves. It is a cliché to
look at your family and think they are the best people in the world, but this
year, they have proven it to me over and over again.
I am blessed.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled
and depressed?
I’ve been so internalised this year I’ve
spent little of my energy trying to match wits with those who have disheartened
and dismayed me. Apart from delisting a few Facebook friends who have made my
teeth itch once too often, I’ve spared my energy for my family. But even I
haven’t been able to escape the loathsome facefucking the current Liberal
government is giving the country. The sooner we divest ourselves of these
repugnant criminals, the better.
14. Where did most of your money go?
There’s little space between my wage
and our costs. Most of our money goes to keeping the wheels turning.
15. What did you get really, really,
really excited about?
Battcon was a stunning weekend and
everything we had hoped it would be: fun, liberating, relaxing and productive. And
CrimeScene WA was hotly anticipated and did not disappoint.
16. What song will always remind you
of 2013?
Connor turns to the Johnny Cash cover
of the Nine Inch Nails song Hurt for comfort on a regular basis. It’s become
intrinsically intertwined with his illness, and I’ll always associate it with him.
17. Compared to this time last year,
are you: i. happier or sadder? ii. thinner or fatter? iii. richer or poorer?
Sadder, fatter, and poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more
of?
Taking my children to new and exciting
places, and watching them discover the beauty of the world outside their normal
horizons.
Being an artist.
But most of all, just being there when my family
needed me.
19. What do you wish you'd done less
of?
Putting vomit-soaked bed sheets in the
washing machine.
Spending my days enabling everybody else’s artistic ambitions
while slowly but surely finding less and less time to pursue my own.
Facebook:
seriously, it just… Godsfuck, I can’t explain the damn thing. It’s full of
people lining up to not understand that my page is a space for me to shout and
carry on about anything I want to in any way I want to, and that I have no
interest in listening to them tell me how wrong I am and how superior they are,
and yet, and yet, I. Can’t. Get. Off. The. Fucking. Thing. At least heroin makes
you thin!
20. How did you spend Christmas?
Well, obviously this is before the
date, but the plan is to spend it quietly with Lyn: the children will be with
their grandmother, because she does the full Santapalooza job on Christmas day
and we don’t, so we’re happy for them to go to her place and wrap themselves in
tinsel and frosting. The older kids always spend Christmas day at their
father’s house, although Aiden and his girlfriend have said they’ll be dropping
by for lunch. It’ll just be me, Lyn, whatever the hell food we want to eat,
wine, cider, and the phone off the hook.
21. Who did you meet for the first
time?
Several authors and editors through my
work, and through the Great Big Picnic Lunch we organised for Facebook friends
attending the Writers Festival. Most significantly, perhaps, were our friends
Kris and Kim McMinn, with whom we’ve grown close quite quickly.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Nah. Like I say every year, I’ve found
the love of my life. It’s all gravy.
23. What was your favourite TV
program?
We discovered two new series that have
become compulsive viewing:
Whitechapel is a modern-day cop show
set in the eponymous suburb of the title, featuring killers that mimic several
famous murderers of old. It stars Rupert Penry-Jones, Steve Pemberton
continuing to expand his impressive repertoire of serious roles, and Philip Davis in career-best form.
And even better is Ripper Street, which
starts from a similar basis in that it is also set in Whitechapel, but takes place 6 months after the Ripper murders, where suspicion and terror make
the East End a powder keg with a very short fuse. It’s a powerful show, often
brutal and unforgiving, with a cast of fascinating characters and genuine
undercurrents of tragedy and sadness. It is, in short, superb television, and is
one of the best TV series I’ve seen in years. And there's a scene in episode two of season two which I shan't spoil for those who have yet to see it, but which is amongst the most powerful and emotional scenes I have ever watched on television. Ever.
There will be box sets in my
future, oh yes there will.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you
didn't hate this time last year?
I haven’t the energy to hate, beyond my
own natural levels of scepticism and misanthropy. There’s one person quite
close to our family for whom I feel a great wellspring of disdain, but he’ll
get his comeuppance in the natural course of time and I’ll play no part in it
other than to sweep up afterwards and comfort the worthy, so I’m content to sit
and watch him arsehole himself out of the good thing he’s ruining.
25. What was the best book you read?
Best fiction book of the year was The
Heroes by Joe Abercrombie: brutal, unforgiving, enthralling, and a quantum
leap in skill and narrative technique from his previous work. You can read my Goodreads review here.
Best non-fiction work was Elizabeth’s
Bedfellows- An Intimate History of the Queen’s Court by Anna Whitelock: a
fascinating an inspiring view of the Elizabethan court through the behaviour of a group of women who were closer to Elizabeth than anybody else but who are
consistently overlooked in histories of the period. My Goodreads review is here.
Worst book of the year, despite stiff
competition from dishonourable mentions My Idea of Fun by Will Self and Making
Ends Meet- For Better or Worse 3rd Treasury by Lynn Johnston was
easily A Father’s Story by Lionel Dahmer: a weaselly, vile attempt by a
soulless coward to simultaneously distance himself from his son’s actions and
profit by them, with an afterword that is amongst the most repugnant and
loathsome attempts at repatriation I’ve ever read. It’s a book not even worth
ripping up and using to wipe my arse, and my Goodreads review is even less kind
to it.
26. What was your greatest musical
discovery?
Nothing. I didn’t discover a new band,
song, album or drunken busker down the corner with a semi-decent line in
hand-clapping and inventive abuse worth adding to my playlist. Frankly, it was
extremely disappointing. I blame rap and hip-hop for being a) absolutely
everywhere and b) unutterably fucking shit.
Erin forced me to listen to a Selena
Gomez album. I hated it. Does that count? If not, this is a video of Aston
Villa forward Gabriel Agbonlahor smashing One Direction’s Louis Tomlinson in a
charity football match so hard that Tomlinson pukes. Not so much a musical discovery
as, well, bloody hilarious. That’ll do.
27. What was your favourite film of
this year?
I saw some amazing films this year, not
least because I found a box set of 20 Hammer movies for $20 in our local
Lackluster store and we spent half the year gleefully devouring them one after
the other, pausing only to order Christopher Lee Dracula collections off the
net so we could love those too. However, four movies really went above the line
this year, and they were:
I went into Cloud Atlas with few
expectations—there’s only so much excitement you can raise for a movie that
combines Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and the Wachowskis—and was stunned by the
beautiful, intricate, and inspiring story it told.
I’ve slowly become a fan of Tom Hardy
over the last few years, so made a point of watching Bronson because I’d been
told it was a breakout performance, only to find it was so much more: a tour de
force of such intensity and violent power that everything I’ve seen him do
since is utterly washed out in comparison. It’s a stunningly brutal piece of
film, that can’t be approached with faint heart, but I was, and remain, knocked
sideways by it.
Gravity was a tour de force of an
entirely different nature—a stunning vista of space and unknowable horizons that
I’ve not seen on the big screen since I first saw 2001 twenty years ago,
without being as blindingly dull as 2001 was to a boy who had grown up on big
screen space opera. It’s terrifying in an all-too-real way, overwhelming
emotions and senses with its sheer scale and intensity. It is science fiction
in its purest form, based in the incontrovertible laws of current scientific
knowledge, and anchored by a career-defining performance by Sandra Bullock, who
shows she should have been working at this level all along. It is, quite
genuinely, stunning.
But my favourite, my absolute
favourite, film this year, was the Doctor Who 50th anniversary
special, Day of the Doctor. Forget that it was beautifully made. Forget that the 3D was pretty
much used perfectly and enhanced the viewing experience in ways I wasn’t
prepared for. Forget the nostalgia of seeing previous Doctors and old foes and
all the fannish strokes of the hair that get we geeks purring like contented
kittens. It was a wonderful film, filled with satisfaction in every frame. But forget all that, because ultimately, what made this my favourite film of the year, as I blogged upon leaving the cinema, was the knowledge that this was the film that made me
fall back in love with something I had been carrying with me my whole life, and
with which I had been slowly becoming disenchanted, and this was the film that
gave my children an experience they will carry with them for the rest of their
lives. For ninety minutes we shared an moment that we will carry together until the
day I die, and for that alone, it will be one of my favourite films for the rest of my days.
Sadly, the James Cameron Memorial Unobtanium Dildo of Shit goes unawarded this year. I did think it would go to the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp fiasco Dark Shadows, that charm-free, humour-free, excitement-free, used-once-too-often-teabag
of a movie that enabled us to watch two of the most exciting talents in
Hollywood of ten years ago flail about in yet another of their increasingly
vapid and diluted minimum effort shtick pieces, like old vaudevillians who can’t
quite adjust to the age of the talkies and really just need to take a margarita
and a handful of sleeping pills and have a lie down, and just, please, for the
memories of your golden years we’re still trying desperately to hold on to,
stop.
But a quick check of last year's review reveals that I actually watched it in 2012, and I can't think of a movie I watched this year for which I generated so much hate, certainly not so much that I'll still want to razz it an entire year later.
Which feels slightly unnatural, somehow....
28. What did you do on your birthday,
and how old were you?
I turned 43, which as everybody knows
is the last prime number before 13003 that ends in a 3 according to a fact I just
totally made up. (Real answer: the infinitely more boring 12983. Extra points
for knowing that I totally guessed that 13003 was a prime and got it correct.)
For once, my birthday actually fell on
my RDO, so I spent it building my birthday Lego and hanging with Luscious and
Connor, in a kickbackrelaxey kind of way. I could do with another one of those.
29. What one thing would have made
your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A healthy son.
30. How would you describe your personal
fashion concept in 2013?
Going under for the third time.
31. What kept you sane?
Not entirely sure I managed it, to be
honest. I’m feeling burned out, worn through, and ready for a long nap.
32. What political issue stirred you
the most?
At least this one is easy: the election
of a reprehensible, loathsome, lying, power-hungry weasel to the custodianship
of our Government, and the immediate and calamitous damage he and his skulking
band of Grima Wormtongues have proceed to undertake with lip-licking relish.
Every day that passes bring us closer to becoming a nation of Pastor
Niemollers.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson
you learned in 2013.
No new lessons, just reinforcements of
old ones about the worth of my family relative to the rest of the world, and
what I would give up to see them safe and happy.
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up
your year.
Did you ever pay for something that you
didn’t do?
And did you ever figure out the reason
why?
And when the doctor says this is gonna
hurt me a lot more than this hurts you,
Did you ever figure out that that’s a
lie?
Which is a fucking gloomy way to end a
piece like this, so to make up for it, here’s Armstrong and Miller parodying Flanders
and Swann with a song about taking a shit.
